Why do I feel?
by Josh Hal
Summary: Tamahome ponders his attraction to Nakago...and tries to rationalize his desire as well. Can he get Nakago to reciprocate?
1. Tamahome: The Feeling Begins

Disclaimer: FY's not mine. I only claim rights to this story, and the idea behind it.  
  
Author's Note: Nak x Tama fic. Happens after Tamahome's abduction but before he is drugged. This chapter is written in Tamahome's POV.  
  
Why do I feel? By Josh Hal  
  
Chapter 1: Tamahome  
  
I'm a man of need.  
  
That's the only thought that comes into mind whenever I try to rationalize why I keep having these dreams. Dreams of sleeping with the enemy...dreams of sleeping with another man...How can this be? I love Miaka, don't I?  
  
Maybe it's just the distance – right, that's it. It's simply a longing for someone else's touch. Oh! What I would give to be with you right now, Miaka. But it can't be. I have to stand firm...hold my ground. I've got to fulfill my vow...and if doing so will take every ounce of self-control inside me, then so be it. I just know I have to keep my end of the deal.  
  
But WHY...why am I even having these thoughts? Is it because he's elusive and drop-dead gorgeous? Now I truly realize the allure of forbidden fruit. I should hate him, dang it. But no, I just can't seem to focus when he looks me in the eye with those deep blue eyes of his. I put on a brave front – my poker face – but deep within I melt. I melt with longing, wishing I could stare into those depths for eternity. Wishing he'd proclaim his love for me, too...and promise me that despite the odds, we'll eventually be together forever.  
  
Really, come to think of it, now I know why I try to be so mean to him. It's my defense mechanism kicking in – reassuring myself that I don't need him. As if spurning him will fill the void that only his loving can fill...but what else can I do? He detests vulnerability. At least this way, he won't find me so repulsive as to not care about me at all. Even if I get to his nerves, at least he's still aware of my presence. After all, anything's better than being forgotten.  
  
On the other hand, what could he be feeling? I've seen his eyes wandering towards my direction...and staying there. Is he checking me out?! Nah...he's probably just keeping an eye on me. After all, one can't be too trusting of one's enemy...and I'm not just an enemy, I could well be his worst enemy. But why do I get this feeling....this feeling that inwardly, he wants me too? Must be my mind playing tricks on me again...  
  
Well, the good thing is, he's been with other men before. I can't believe I'm even saying such things...but at least he won't find this sort of thing odd...or worse yet, impossible. At first, when I'd heard that he'd been the emperor's toy I couldn't believe my ears. How can such a powerful man allow himself to be subjugated, abused even, like that? But now I can't help but believe...I mean, if I were the emperor, and he was this naïve 12 year old with little control over his powers, I'd probably have done the same thing. Not that I have pedophilic tendencies...I wouldn't even have thought of such a thing if it were anybody else. But he...he is just so beautiful and alluring and perfect. Anyone would find it hard to resist such a rare find.  
  
Anyway, back to the present...what should I do? Should I act on my desire? No, that'd probably make things worse...but if I don't, that SOB Tomo will probably hook him sooner or later. I can't believe I have to fight with such a freak. He should just go back to where he came from. But hard as it is for me to admit, as of now, I know he's got a better chance at him than I do. They at least belong to the same team. And while he can please him by doing his bidding, what can I do? Keep Yui preoccupied? Right...like that's of any help to him. He could probably send any young, eager guy to woo her and she'd fall for him right away. After all, the guy would probably be honored to accompany his miko...and as for Yui, well I think she's just downright horny. I mean, how can a sensible young lady fall for brash, money-grubbing ol' me? It's sad to see such a prospect become so wasted...if she wasn't so needy, maybe I'd even grow to like her. But with all that clinging, I can't believe anyone willingly getting involved with her...at least anyone not called Suboshi.  
  
All of which brings us to my appearance...come to think of it, what did she see in me? I mean, as far as I'm concerned, I'm nothing out of the ordinary. Sure, I stay fit and all, but you could easily pick three guys from the street and have two similarly fit blokes. So does that mean I'm good-looking? Sheesh...Hotohori's good-looking...same goes for you-know-who...but little ol' me? That's couldn't possibly be true. But hopefully he finds me good-looking, too...well if not good-looking, at least better-looking than that freak, Tomo.  
  
Seriously, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I mean, being lovey-dovey with Yui's fine, but maintaining my hard stance against him is fast becoming unbearable. How I now understand what it means to love and hate at the same time! You just can't help but try to hate someone you love but can't have. Wait...did I just say love? See where this is leading? At first, it's simply attraction but now love...all this pent-up desire is really making me a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I just hope something happens soon, or I might find myself going nuts just trying to keep all this bottled-up inside.  
  
Oh! There he is again...talking to mistress Yui...I can't help but loathe his flirting with her every time I see them together. I know he's only doing that because he needs her, but I still hate it all the same. Uh-oh...he's looking over this way...I have to stay calm...deep-breaths...don't look at him...not yet! At least not before he looks away! But alas...I look and our eyes meet.  
  
Did he smile? Or was it just a snicker? Well at least I know I still hold his interest. Now all I've got to do is figure out how to turn that interest into desire. 


	2. Nakago: Feeling for Love

Disclaimer: FY's not mine. I only claim rights to this story, and the idea behind it.  
  
Author's Note: Nak x Tama fic. Happens after Tamahome's abduction but before he is drugged. This chapter is shown in Nakago's POV. It follows right after the last scene in the first chapter.  
  
Why do I feel? By Josh Hal  
  
Chapter 2: Nakago  
  
Cute, little Suzaku boy...can't resist, can you?  
  
He finally gave in. I don't know what exactly was so different with that look than all those others, but I just felt him shudder. It was as though he knew his defenses had been breached and he'd been left exposed for his enemies to pillage. Well I certainly wouldn't mind.  
  
To be honest, I've had my eye on him ever since I saw him at the city gates. He'd been trying to get past the guards and even then he was so striking I couldn't help but notice. There's something about his defiant brashness that intrigued me...and still does, even now. He seems to believe that nothing in this world can stop him. Well, I hope to have him stop at his heels every time he sees me from now on.  
  
I know he can't possibly love me...well, not yet at least. We're enemies after all, and he seems to be fiercely loyal to his side. But I can't help but think ahead – what if I abandon this mission, and defect to their side instead? It wouldn't be logical, but Seiryuu knows how much I hate that bastard of a king he raised to the throne. Besides, no one could stop me even if they wanted to. That much I'm sure.  
  
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm not even sure how I feel about him. What's the point of defecting if I won't gain much by doing so? Is he really that important to me? All I know is that he stirs up all these conflicting emotions inside. He makes me want to slaughter him every time he answers back; but he also makes me want to hold him in my arms whenever he turns in his sleep, dreaming of going back to where he belonged. If I were to have my way, I would do the latter – but at one condition: He must love me just as much. And if today's incident is any indication – that may begin to happen soon.  
  
People often think that I'm cold and heartless – a manipulating power- monger whose sole purpose in life is to make everyone else's life miserable. But what they do not realize is that beneath this stolid mask is a heart that needs as much caring and love as any other. I've learned not to show those needs because I couldn't afford to (the emperor would've picked me apart had I done so), but it doesn't mean that they don't exist. And call me crazy, but I actually believe those needs could be met by that brave, relentless Suzaku boy.  
  
Tamahome...the sound of his name alone speaks of courage, resistance, and unyielding devotion. I can see from the fire in his eyes how much he would defend those that he loves. Not that I need any defending...but for once, I'd like to be cared and thought about and made to feel special without being used for something else. All my life people have mistreated me – from that sick ruler to the oppressive generals down to the lowest of soldiers – they all thought I'd always stand back and listen to them bark orders at me and abuse me. Well they can do that no more...but I still want unconditional love all the same. If anything, growing up in such a twisted and conniving world has only intensified that longing. And you'd be a fool not to see that Tamahome is as perfect as they come in giving selfless, soul-warming love.  
  
At this point you're probably shouting at me to notice Soi and Tomo, both of which clearly live only to please me. They are sources of warmth, no doubt. But just like me, they are only creatures of need drawn by the fulfillment of their desires. And unfair as it maybe, they are not what I desire. At this moment, at this hour, all I can think of is that strong and noble youth, whose character transcends the preconceived notion of beauty begetting love.  
  
But just because I am attracted to his inner attributes doesn't mean that I am totally oblivious to his physical gifts. In fact, the edginess to his features only makes me want him even more. That beautiful torso leading down to his tapered waist and lithe longsome legs have always made him irresistibly sexy to me. But if beauty was my only concern, I could've have chosen a noble youth with the same magnificent musculature. Instead, his sensuality only adds to the priceless, unique package that he already is.  
  
But before I get carried away, I have more plans to draw up, other worlds to conquer. For now, I just have to move slowly and get him to fall under my spell. And just in case that fails, I always have that pill to turn to. Oh Tamahome...someday you will be mine. 


End file.
